Hope is getting though this night
And life is not dying in this fight
Begging you to deliver me
Confused why you won't take this pain from me
And life is not dying in this fight
Begging you to deliver me
Confused why you won't take this pain from me
My steps never felt so hard
The end never looked so far
But if you won't take me out then please take me through this
The end never looked so far
But if you won't take me out then please take me through this
Stay with me
So I wont leave
And make me see
That this is not forever
Cause I'll I need is your love
Pulling me
So I wont leave
And make me see
That this is not forever
Cause I'll I need is your love
Pulling me
What is the reason for this night
Is hope found in moments with no light
Does strength grow in our greatest fears
God I pray something good will come from this pain
Is hope found in moments with no light
Does strength grow in our greatest fears
God I pray something good will come from this pain
What is the storm I'm going through right now? Anxiety.
I'm so worried about feeding Spencer. I am so scared we're going down the same path we traveled with Miles, a long road of slow weight gain, testing, hospital stays...Not only can we not afford it and what it might do to our insurance situation, but my heart is so heavy with fear.
He gained weight between Day 3 and Day 5, but when I took him back on Day 9, he hadn't gained anything. We go back tomorrow for a real appointment, not just a weight check. He is a sleepy eater, isn't latching well, and I'm using a nipple shield (cursed flat nipples). I pumped a few times yesterday and today we have given him some of the expressed milk in a syringe (avoiding bottles) after feedings. His output is still great - lots of wet and poopy diapers, it's just not showing on the scale.
I'm worried about what will be suggested at tomorrow's appointment if he still hasn't gained. I don't want to give him formula, but I wouldn't be opposed to exclusively pumping (and syringe feeding) until he gets the hang of latching. But it makes me tired to think about how much additional work that will be and how that will affect Miles.
I was a complete basketcase yesterday after the appointment. I hate that, because I know it's counterproductive to my needs right now - to relax, focus on enjoying my baby, getting lots of skin-to-skin contact with him, and letting God create the nourishment that my child needs.
So if you would, please say a prayer or two for Spencer and I. That he would wake for feedings, stay alert while nursing, and that my body will do its job to sustain him. And that I would listen to God in the quietness of the night and the busyness of the day as He tells me that I am His and He will stay with me.
2 comments:
I'll definitely be praying, Krista. I have those same fears, that we'll have similar issues with weight and breastfeeding that we had with Jude. I know you have great instinct though, and keep in mind that it could just be that you have babies who grow slowly. Look at Miles and know that all those tests and all that worry was for nothing - he's perfect. :)
Awww Krista, as a mom...and a mom that breastfed, I really feel for you. Your post made me tear up. I know those feelings and remember how tough it can be sometimes. I hope everything works out for you guys. My prayers go out to you.
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