I'm not going to lie. I'm really struggling right now. This is going to be a major downer of a post, so don't read it if you need sunshine and rainbows.
In a 24 hour time period, Spencer took in 18 ounces of breastmilk and I pumped 24.5 ounces. So we've ruled out a supply problem. When we went in for his weight check today, he had gained 4 ounces since Wednesday. Great, right? Our pediatrician said we could go back to nursing and pumping a few times, feeding him a few ounces of expressed milk throughout the day. We go back on Monday. I'm dreading it...
Why? Because since we came home, he hasn't had a good "full" feeding. He'll latch, suck for a few minutes, then fall asleep. All day long we've done this. I'm exhausted. I'm in pain. I have a headache from crying. I'm sick of snapping at Miles. He doesn't deserve that.
I don't want to be alone with both of the boys. It's a constant struggle to feed Spencer and keep him awake while I try to keep Miles from doing forbidden things like climb and poke and unpack the DVD drawers. I hate that I've become a yeller. "NO!" "STOP!" "OFF!" (Miles seems to think that Off and No mean the same thing. Yesterday I was trying to feed him something and he said "Off!")
When I have my hands free, I'm scouring websites and message boards for any bit of help I can find to get through this. I really should hire an IBCLC (board-certified lactation consultant) to come here and help me get a good latch. It would probably be $250...it seems like a lot for what it is, but that's a heck of lot cheaper than a year of formula.
I can't help feeling like a total failure.
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